Changing lives like …… Being Erica

There are does moments in life when one wishes they could go back in time like Erica. I’m sure most of the people here reading this will wonder what the hell I’m talking about.

Let me tell you about this Erica(the original Meredith Grey in my opinion), she is just a girl that wakes up 32 and being helped by a therapist to fix her life. The catch is he helps her travel back in time to fix things in her life. Well, that is the very short story of it. I find myself more and more lately wishing I could go back like Erica, and yet not(because regret has two cutting lines).

Wish I could go back and tell my broken heart, big dreams and the teary-eyed girl that life will get better. That the big bad wolf will be sorry, like Ramsay Bolton(Game of Thrones character), but that is another story and from a different timeline. My big bad wolf is my father. He has marked me in more ways than one. You see he has been the first man I ever loved, that is valid for most kids. Do what I learned from him is what not to look for in a man, in a life partner. For as far as I can remember he has always been abusive, physically and mentally. I still remember my summer holiday between my 10th and 11th highschool years. He had beaten me so bad my bruises only left my body about a month after, and all of this for holding hands with a boy. Not trying to justify him, he was born in a very broken and abusive family. And obviously he has learned how to, instead of how not to. The social and cultural education from his time didn’t help either.

We all have a desire for time travel, for regret in things and actions from our past. We all wish we could be the best version we could have been, and some can find the strength inside to get there, and some only regret what could have been.

‘’Life is too short, time is too precious, and the stakes are too high to dwell on what might have been.’’ Hilary Clinton said this, know normally I would have said bravo. And yet when my big bad wolf was getting ready to be no more, regret was there. And even now after he has passed, regret is present when I think of him, and what might have been.

Don’t hang in the what-if, it hurts to linger in time and the past needs to be in the past so we can remember it, and to learn from it. So this is to my big bad wolf, thank you for my scars, I’m sorry I can’t say until next time, and no you are not forgiven. But that is ok because you are not forgotten either. I will remember all the life lessons, the scars that my wolf left me. It has made me the person I am today, and hopefully, it will help me be a better parent, a better person, a better wife, and friend.

And with all of this and with Hilary’s quote in mind I’ll remember that all of it had a reason. That reason is I’m here to live my life and raise my kids and family without a big bad wolf, but with all the lessons and scars that he has given me.

I hope that for your sake reincarnation is real and that you learned what you needed in this life, so you don’t do it again in the next.

Goodbye my big bad wolf, you have been loved even when you didn’t deserve it.